Some things are hard to accept. Hard to think about. Hard to talk about. Very sensitive topics to be hanging around! I’ve got a bunch of things that make me uneasy and I never talk about them. Mostly because I’ve been really busy pretending to be some sort of happy when I’m really not and that’s an unfortunate fact. I’ve been running around from A to B through to Z physically so much so that the fatigue makes perfect sense, however, I’m probably a little emotionally run down too and although, mentally I’ve perked up a little, it’s not enough to say that I’m levelling up in that department. That would be a flat out lie!
People all around. Still lonely.
You can be surrounded by six people or sixty thousand people and still feel lonely. If the people around you don’t understand the struggles or what the voids in your life are doing to you, it’s almost pointless knowing who is around you. Supportive behaviour is key to living life. I firmly believe that. When you know you have the support of a loved one or a great friend, it can make for so much more positive energy in those difficult times. That belief a supporter breathes into your life can propel you from a standing start to a mile ahead. It’s not every time that someone will be able to give you a bit of clarity or an answer however knowing that someone is prepared to give you those ten minutes or a nod of understanding (even when they don’t understand), it’s pretty damn priceless.
2018 through to 2020, what’s changed?
I don’t know where to start… I guess it goes back maybe two years??? I don’t know. It’s not very easy to explain. A bunch of stuff happened. A bunch of stuff that I wanted (or needed for the desired result) didn’t. Somewhere in between all of this I was carrying on the best I could. I suppose I still am. There are things about my health that I now know. Lessons that I’ve learned. There is a way forward. It feels hard to figure out right now. That’s about the crack of it. You could say it’s so simply complicated. It’s like cooking pasta (the simple part) after trying to make the pasta (the hard part).
I’m trying to factor in what I’ve learned, what I’m still learning and the learning I aim to do without letting what I want go. It’s really quite difficult though. It’s not like I’ve completely lost the plot. I’m still eating. Showering. Functioning. Believing. Actioning. Hoping. Dreaming! I’m aware of what’s happening. I am basically run down in various ways. I’m not that far gone about life to a point where I can’t see the good. I am grateful for all the blessings that I have. All things considered, I am a lucky human. There’s no denying it! I am one lucky human being. Period.
Does it mean I stop having feelings of sadness or anger or hopelessness? No, it does not. Is it as Jake Paul says “it’s everyday bro?” Well, I can’t honestly tell you. Some days I’m tired physically. Some mentally and/or emotionally. Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s overwhelmingly one or the other, or a combination.
Life is for living, or so they say
The funny thing is I’m not pessimistic about life. I find it hard to be. The cliché things make me optimistic like blue skies, mountains (not that I see them where I live) or just nature in general. Beauty at its best brings out the best of hope in me, even in this climate! I’m going to mention it (even though I really intended not to)…The whole coronavirus stuff is going down, around, up and rotating around earth. You know what?! It’s horrible. I don’t personally suffer from anxiety however, I am anxious about it. You keep reading about the cases going up and the way in which it’s gone from one continent to the next, it’s sad to see and it is scary. It is really scary. The media keeps on letting us know about the fatalities (which by the way it should because that is the truth element of it) but they’re not focussing on the survival rates. I find a great issue with that. The one thing anyone can tell you about sickness from seeing someone go through a sickness is that positive information is key. Having that hope and seeing that people can get through it, that is well above a magnitude that any human could explain in literary quantity, or quality for that matter.
How’re you doing? I’m hashtagging
Social media is trending with hashtags such as #quarantinelife #quarantineinsixwords #coronavirus etc etc Everyone is so consumed with it that they almost forget about everything else that can hurt/harm/kill you like allergic reactions, a different type of illness or some sort of accident. That’s not even an exhaustive list. That’s three things. Some positives do come out of difficulty and one of them is people putting some insecurities away. It’s probably not forever, this insecurity ignorance, it’s good for the soul though. I’m all for people forgetting about their aesthetic insecurities. I wish people didn’t have to suffer globally but it’s kind of nice not hearing people harp on about the size of their butt or a spot or some other aesthetic thing because when it boils down to it, it seems minor compared to mass lives at risk of infection or unfortunately, death. Aesthetic insecurities I’m happy people aren’t harping on about but internal insecurities that harm a human mentally, emotionally and physically? These are things we need to talk about. People have been trying to break the taboo yet it’s still not an easy conversation to have. A lot of people don’t have the capacity or desire to listen. If they don’t have the capacity due to trauma in their own life or with a lack of knowledge, that’s fine but where someone doesn’t have the patience to spare you ten minutes (that they do have spare) or the care for you to even listen?! That’s not nice. It’s happened to me. The worst is when people listen only to devalue or ridicule you. That stuff hurts!
So I feel run down, now what?
Well, ultimately, I don’t know. There’s a few things I know that help such as exercise, eating well and meditating. I will focus on those things. The problem for me right now is that the situation doesn’t only depend on me adjusting my life but it depends on others realising the way they recognise the situation. It’s a two way thing. Sometimes when people need you in their life, they start to feel like they own you. If you’re always there available to help, they expect you to ALWAYS be there even in a time where you need you. Playing the role of a hero or heroine, people assume you auditioned for the part. Some people didn’t audition. They were born into it.