I feel like this is going to hurt but it’s necessary in order to move past the rut I find myself ranting in. If I’m ranting in a rut then I really need to re-evaluate things so here goes nothing….
I wanted two things
When January came around I was thinking about two things, a holiday and resolving a personal matter. I wanted a holiday and I really wanted to figure out/resolve a personal matter. Less than a ninth of the way through this year, I can see I will most likely not achieve those targets by my aim of March. I’m not holding onto a pessimistic torch and waving it around like a foul incense, nor am I giving up. I’m simply ushering my head out of the sand and acknowledging the situation that I am indeed in. I’m not sad. I’m not mad. I’m just trying to find a way forward instead of planting ideas in my head and watching them fall through my hands, similar to how one would watch sand seap through the gaps between the fingers no matter how hard you tried to close the gaps. It’s basically setting myself up for a fall and now in all sanity, what kind of idiot does that?! Apparently, me!
Letting it go
It’s not going to happen! I hereby acknowledge that these two targets are not going to happen and in all honesty, there is most definitely a hint of bitterness lasting as an aftertaste as I attest to those words.
I am moving on and am currently quite firmly at stage one in the process of a humbling acceptance of a minor defeat, however, perhaps it’s time I managed my short term goals over a shorter period with less at stake? It’s an idea. One that may prove to be a move in the right direction, or at least I hope so.
All or nothing
Here’s a little confession… I admit I am a bit of an all or nothing kind of person. I wouldn’t say that I put all my eggs into one basket but I would strategically place a single egg into several baskets. My thinking usually follows that if I have several opportunities of failing then one at the very least shall not fail. There’s many a flaw in this thought process but I’m stubborn and usually do continue to persevere despite the niggling thought of common sense in the background. I do not turn to this kind of tactical nonsense on a regular basis (when it comes to living my life) but yet where matters of the heart and dreams are concerned, this is exactly the sort of foolishness I insist upon pursuing. I’m of course carrying a losing ratio. I lost count much earlier in my late teens!
Plan of action
I’m going to go return to fine tuned default. So it’s not the default default because then I would be a baby! It’s a system reset that I set at 21 and told myself that should I need it, I could revisit it whenever the time was right. I also told myself that just like an emergency battery as it was only to be accessed when deemed absolutely necessary. I’m becoming grumpy so it’s very much necessary! What does this involve? Well, I’m going to say what I want and do what I want (within the bounds of conforming to law and common sense) without giving two hoots! I’m looking to enjoy the spontaneity, the raw thinking bubbles and a few games of scrabble.
Of course I aim to maintain a certain level of standard with regards to professionalism, humanity and humility but why should I be unhappy because I got the short straw? If you actually think about it… if I were to use the straw for it’s literal purpose then that short straw would actually let me slurp the drink much faster than the longer straw! People thought I was losing on one level yet I knew I was winning on a whole other level. It’s about perspective within the perspex box, outside of the perspex box or on top where you get the best of both.
I know that I’m staring at a couple of screwed up opportunities and it’s okay. That’s life and we all learn our lessons in our own individual idiotic youthful years. It’s gone and that’s that.
Here’s the issue though, I don’t know who I’m trying to prove myself to now. There has been this conscious and/or subconscious effort trying to balance real life with idealistic expectations. Sometimes I’ve been guilty of painting the canvas with someone else’s brush and at other times people threw their canvases in front of mine! I have dreams and I have ambition. I have the love and longing to create moments for myself, for others and to go down in history for generations to come to study, to be confused and to wonder why and how? This innate feeling of wanting to be something special and to create moments from smaller fragments of time that would otherwise eclipse into memory….is all I have ever dreamed of mastering.
The magic of youth and unfiltered naivety is something that we all struggle with as we age, or to put it mildly, as we mature and grow up. At the end of the day, our childhood and the nostalgia from our childhood provides us with this imaginary artistic tool, think of it like your chosen weapon of evil at that age (my parents would worry about the felt tip pens and the walls) be it a pen, a crayon, a paint brush or an ink riddled hand that allows us to draw inspiration and capture our own thoughts. Each line, shape, letter or seemingly unthought scribble does not come to be without reason and each mark is engrained with our own artistic DNA laced all over it.
People talk of food and aesthetic fashion with such glorious associations but yet, one of the two most important faculties a human develops with speech and expression is not nearly as revered as it should be. Some people believe that art is an expression which is unnecessary but I don’t think that’s justice to the umbrella of art. I assert that art is a human interpretation of what is going on in our minds, our souls and our hearts. Art can be found in words, sounds, shapes and through many other avenues. I find my art in my heart with what I feel and with what I want to share. This whole post is an expression out of frustration and it’s an honest inclination towards making positive progressions. My art flourishes through words and vocabulary. I rely on it and have done so since I was a very young child. To this day, it serves me well.
Am I special?
You could very easily misunderstand this. I do not believe I am special in the sense of asserting my superiority. Nor do I crave a prize laden status. I quite simply believe it is a very human and natural instinct to be wanted, needed and loved. With that instinct of wants and necessities, wouldn’t it be right to assume that one would also want to feel special in some aspect of their life? For me, something special is the authenticity I reveal from my heart and as cliche as that may be, it’s the truth. The only way that moment could become greater is if it were to resonate with someone else.
The way I think about it is that to understand is a simple task of listening, registering and subsequently responding by giving a ‘right’ response (of which there may be many), but to be understood there can only be one of two responses, they either do understand or they don’t. That is the reason why I love to understand but the underlying purpose is I long to be understood.
And so I fear that my efforts in some areas of my life may be waste of my energy and thus I am redirecting my energy into something that will always listen, understand and return a longing for me as I do for it….Writing.