I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking a lot. It’s not unusual and yet somehow my thoughts have been far from the usual. It’s almost as if I’m going through some sort of phase. Life changes. I know that. No two days are the same let alone two years! I’m always looking to make sense of things but they’re not always going to make sense. Here’s today’s attempt….
Is life simple/complicated mathematics ?
Am I a complicated individual? I don’t think so. Sometimes I approach things from an acute angle but I think I’m a very easily pleased person. Simple things make me very happy. I like porridge. I like walking (in all weathers). I appreciate a good conversation, if anything I get lost in some weird dopamine complex by talking way too much! You definitely wouldn’t see me say no to a mango and banana smoothie or a chance of winning a crappy prize. I wouldn’t brag but I like to have the rights. It’s a territorial thing.( Again, look at the animal kingdom, very simple.) I love a quiz, a game of darts or rambling on in some topical debate!
Simple and me are like honey and bees, meant to be. Seems I have a penchant for complicating things though. Always the way….
Somewhere along the line I took a wrong turn and wound up lost. I like finding my own way around but this time I should have paid more attention to the signs. I’m always on the lookout for some logical or mathematical pattern but sometimes it’s as easy as reading a sign. It’s youthful ignorance, thinking I know best. I’ve learned my lesson but do you know what I did?! I let myself forget that the simplest things in life have always been enough. I wanted more thinking that it’s going make me happier. At the end of the day all we all want is to be valued and appreciated. My family, my friends and the good memories are enough. I always talk about honesty and it’s really important. I always say that if you’re not honest then you will never be at peace with yourself. I think I have to be more honest with myself. It’s not going to be easy but I have to, for the greater good.
Let’s be honest
I’m very sensitive. I take things to heart way too much. I am always looking to fix a bad situation even if the odds are against me. I can be very moody when I have bad days. I can be sharp with my humour. I have a temper too, it’s not insane but it’s there bubbling under the surface. I insist on doing the right thing even if will put me in a difficult situation. I can be awkwardly shy and on other occasions I talk way too much. I am a good listener but I’m a terrible person when it comes to providing empathy, compassion or support. I feel like I lack in certain social life skills. I can’t stand silence for longer that my mind finds acceptable (depends on the day) and I struggle to admit to my own flaws. I have a good threshold of accepting negativism against me and I’m fine with it. I’m not sure that that’s right but for some reason that’s the way it is. However, I know all of this and I’m actively working towards being a better person. I also know that I’ll never be perfect and that some of these things won’t ever be perfected. I know who I am and I am aware of my limits. I don’t want to become someone else. I just want to be a better version of me.
I’m sure there are good things about me. I don’t feel confident listing them here like I would my grocery shopping list but just like my groceries will always have bananas, I know that I do try to be kind. I do make an effort with people. I try to keep humble but I must admit, one compliment too many and I’m like an already drunk person in happy hour! I guess that it’s always been about normalising myself to feel as though I wasn’t a nuisance to others. That’s obviously a self worth and lack of confidence issue. I’m not stupid! It’s always the way though, you know the problem and you even admit the problem but you don’t know how to address the problem. I still feel like the universe is a massive parking lot and everyone I know has a space allocated but I seemed to have walked past mine. If they were to lose theirs I’d know exactly where to point them to but I don’t know where mine is. Even with saying that I can see the leaps and bounds I have made. I’m human so I’ll always be a work in progress but at least now I can see progress. There was a great magnitude of work needed emotionally and mentally to get to this point where I could be honest about my intrigues, my quirks and my conversational style. Normal is overrated and I can’t believe it took this long to understand that my path was always going to be a little bit different. See, the thing is I’m older and I don’t care as much about that malarkey anymore. It was like I was a lonely cheerio in a bowl full of Frosties and it bugged me. It took a few tears and a few falls but now I am more comfortable with myself, all because I realised that the process of normalisation did nothing but harm my life.
Nugget of wisdom
Everyone loves a nugget. Some people like chicken and some like golden, it’s a preference thing I suppose. I prefer nougat, less said about my opinion on nuggets, the better. More importantly, if I could give one piece of advice to any other soul on this planet, it would be to be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself! It’s not a selfish thing to do. It’s one of the most important and bravest things you can do. The warmth, kindness and love that you can offer others will only benefit from the care you give yourself. It works both ways therefore it’s mutually beneficial. If it’s mutually beneficial then you’re going to reach a wider audience than just the other person. It’s about making waves throughout the world. If there’s one fashion that needs to return…. it’s the fashion of self respect and knowing that trends are set with the way we behave. If we have self respect then we’ll respect others. A part of having that awareness is knowing that you’d never want to be treated in a way where you’d be hurt and thus you’d never hurt another.
So what does this mean?
I might not know where my parking space is right this moment. Does it worry me? A little yet I’m okay with that. I’m happy enough because it’s satisfactory enough to know I’m in the right parking lot, I trust my own intuition and I trust the ones around me to point me in the right direction.
I am complicated in some respects but I know that all the complexities can be solved (or at the least appeased) with a little touch of simplicity. The simple things make me happy. I said it earlier but it’s true! I am a complicated version of simplicity but that’s just the definition of a human being, isn’t it? So I guess I realise I’m just a human. This whole post basically lead to the most anticlimactic acknowledgement ever! It’s a realisation of being human and being okay with that. In case you’re wondering….. I am okay with that.
I’m perfectly fine with being an easily pleased over complicated thinker with simple wishes. That’ll do just fine.