Self sabotage

I’ve realised that in my past I have sabotaged my own ambition. Thankfully I don’t do it anymore but there were so many wasted opportunities. The thing is when you’re young, opportunities don’t seem like real plausible opportunities. It can feel like a lot of hard work and effort that will not lead anywhere. For me it was because people stood there discouraging me. I shouldn’t have let those negative influences affect my ambition. When you’re young and naive it happens. I’ve grown up since.

The self sabotage would come into effect after people would be in my ear giving me the silliest advice of how I’m not ever going to get anywhere because it’s not meant for people like “us” so I “should focus on my education” day and night to get a “real job.” After continually hearing this I wouldn’t focus on my personal goals because I felt like nobody believed in me. When I was 17 I wanted to learn to code but I didn’t do it because people were so pessimistic about my abilities. They recognised my potential but I never felt like I had the support I needed to pursue my dreams. I wasn’t even after support! I would have made do with indifference, but the discouragement always lead to me stopping short of walking through paths that took me (or could have taken me) to my goals. I couldn’t focus and I wouldn’t bother to find a way to focus because I’d take my mind elsewhere, burying my head deep firmly in the sand.

I remember that I wanted to be super fit when I was 17 so that I could run a marathon. I probably would never have run the marathon but I wanted to feel like I could if I wanted to. The truth was I never took the steps to get into the shape to do that. Instead of being this beast in the gym, I resorted to an unhealthy eating  lifestyle which only got progressively worse when I started Uni. I was still active but with less intensity and even less effort as time was passing. I was still somewhat exercising (to an extent) and I still had the goal in my mind but that self sabotage of consuming all the wrong foods and doing the wrong exercises for my goal, it was stupid on my part. I was in some sort of denial that because I was still ‘active’ it was just taking longer. A few years and a good look in the mirror on several occasions later, I realised that I was sabotaging myself.  I did this with regards to my career too because I could have done more while I was at University but that was more due to lack of understanding than laziness or sabotage. If only someone had advised me then….

Now, I’m just that little older and a bit more experienced with life. I wholehearted recognise that I’m still learning and I’m by no means an expert on anything. However, I know the pitfalls and the traps you can fall into. I’m simply not interested in pity and falling short. I have had my run getting doors slammed in my face so many times that I’m just going to make the extra effort to go get the key. I’m not going to wait for someone to open the door. I’m going to get the key however long it takes me and I’m going to have a right to walk through that damn door!

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