Your conclusion. My confusion.

I am fascinated by people and opinions. Sometimes too much. It doesn’t bother me like it used to but it still makes me want to laugh and cry simultaneously. It’s so sad but funny, and it’s always amusing or really frustrating. I like to analyse and over-analyse. I like to think and for me that is a pastime, much like a word-search. Anyway, here I go…..

People have come to so many different conclusions where I am concerned. I have been backed with passion by one person and then another individual makes it their game to make sure I am slated. I’ve been shown respect by a group of people but then under-rated by a whole crowd. I’ve been hyped up by a friend but then criticised and left deflated by someone close to me. I’ve been labelled intelligent and then in the SAME conversation also stupid. Apparently I am loyal but I don’t know where my heart is. (That last one was really hard to understand. Surely being loyal is a positive trait so why that then had to be associated with a negative assumption I will never know.)

I’m not angry nor am I ecstatic about any of this. It hasn’t lead to the fruition of my dreams. It has left me confused and admittedly put me into a dizzy spiral on many occasions. However, it has made the world that I live in clearer to me and put an emphasis on knowing that a lot of people will forever think whatever they want about me so I shall not fall into the ‘lost soul’ or ‘misunderstood’ trap. The world is a judgemental place and it’s a sad reality. I don’t agree or like it but I can’t change the world. What I can do is make me a better person. I am trying and I really hope I am bettering myself.

Everybody has given me their conclusions at different stages of my life. A few years ago any negativity would have been like salt in a wound and anything positive would be like someone giving me a hand to hold on a mountain’s edge…. just as I was about to fall. It meant too much either way! I gave too much focus to their opinions and it clouded my judgement far too many times. Today I know what I am and I know what I am not. This in itself is a refreshing thing irrespective of what other people say. I’m also not naive because I know I may change but for now I can see it pretty clearly. I can’t always zoom in and get the HD version of everything that is going on but I get a good picture. Although there’s room to be keep improving. I know that. There’s always room for that.

I’ll be honest. I’m a perfectionist and a dreamer. The two do not come together kindly very often. This is where MY own conclusion comes forth and takes a front row seat. I know that I have arguments with myself on a daily basis. I question my path, my thinking patterns, my approach to the logic that I have naturally (or nurture has brought to me) and the logic that I think I should have. It does sound slightly tormenting but I enjoy the buzz of it. For me the good thing is it’s just who I am. I don’t really get into a slump about it. I over-think but it’s something I have always done so I’m not going to worry about it now. I also don’t like to add to my own problems. Plenty of other people are on that case. You don’t have to join in yourself. I reevaluate consistently but if I am honest, the success rate for my dreams is inconsistent. I’m not prepared to shut up and cry about it though, and that’s where my dreaming and desire for perfection does tie in kindly with one another. My want to succeed is where both keep me going. I appreciate that kick the two provide that’s always there. It pushes me.

I have my problems though just like everyone else and I have my innate settings. I struggle with certain things whereas other things are just a part of my being. For example, I struggle with the frustration of not meeting targets or reaching my own expectations but I thrive on the thrill of creativity and envisioning the long term goal.

The dreamer inside of me is embroidered within my soul but the perfectionist has been nurtured into me. This collaboration is more like an event that the other one crashes but they both see a mutual benefit so they both ignore the facts. I have happily ignored (and do ignore) facts at the possibility of a near-impossible occurrence because I dare to dream. Sometimes I’ll edit and re-edit something for my dream. For my ambition. For my desires. For a shot at success. For self-gratification. To a certain extent for others’ approval. I need their approval to succeed but I don’t need it to be content. That line has been drawn and is a lesson that I have learned.

Their conclusions may have lead to my confusion in times gone by but I am happy to say that as of the situation as it is, my conclusion has now lead to their confusion. This is a much happier mindset and instead of being provoked to think, I lead the provocation asking them to think. I am more than happy to let them be confused. I am content. I am growing. I am learning. And maybe I am changing. Perhaps without that confusion I wouldn’t have such clarity but I don’t want to thank them just yet. Let them be confused and think a little more.

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